After Manchester United earned a creditable 1-1 draw in their Champions League Round of 16 tie at Real Madrid on Wednesday night, Sir Alex Ferguson shared a post-match drink with Jose Mourinho in the Portuguese coach’s office. What the two men didn't know is that PickOurTeam’s Iain Macintosh was hiding under Mourinho’s desk and he heard every word…
JOSE MOURINHO: Sir Alex! It has been a long time, yes? Did you bring a good wine?
SIR ALEX FERGUSON: (hiccups) Left it on the plane, son. Here. Try this.(tosses small bottle over desk)
JM: (reads) “Calpol Six Plus. Guaranteed to give your child a restful night’s sleep.”
SAF: It’s a bloody good drop and nae mistake.
JM: Oh. Well…I will try it later.
SAF: Aye, make sure ye do. Got a bit lucky today, eh?
SAF: Got a bit lucky. We shouldae had ye. Bossed ye.
JM: Which game are we talking about?
SAF: Och! Don’t try those mind games with me, son!
JM: I’m genuinely not.
SAF: Aye, still up to your old tricks! A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind man, eh? Come on, let’s crack open the Calpol.
JM: I’m so confused.
SAF: (swigs deeply) Aye, that’s good stuff.
JM: Erm. Perhaps we could discuss the matter of your succession?
SAF: Aye, I thought ye’d bring that up. You want it?
JM: Yes. Yes, I do. I am sick of Real Madrid now. The board is made up of know-nothing fools beguiled by stardust, all too happy to fatten their wallets with my success.
SAF: Have ye heard of the Glazer family?
JM: Good point. But at least I will be rid of Cristiano Ronaldo. Honestly, Sir Alex, I do not think I can cope with him anymore. Do you remember when he said he was unhappy and that people at the club knew why?
JM: It was because he wanted to cover the floor, the ceiling and all the walls of the dressing room with mirrors.
JM: Have you ever been in room constructed entirely of mirrors, Sir Alex?
SAF: Aye, ah went to his flat once. Ah felt like I was falling and I couldnae ever stop. It explained a lot.
JM: Exactly. We told him he could stick his mirrors where the sun did not shine. He said that that would negate the purpose of a mirror. Then he began to cry. I am too old for this. It was bad enough at Chelsea when Didier Drogba would trip over in the canteen and graze his knee. I am but one man. I am not made of cuddles.
SAF: Well, ye’d have yer hands full here. Wayne Rooney asked for his wages to be doubled last week because the canteen ran out of chips. The reason that we didnae have the chips was the same reason we didnae have Anderson in the team on Sunday. The wee fella ate them all and went into a carb coma. Ah’d look tae the older players to lay the law down, but you know how it is. Scholsey and Giggs, at their age they need their naps. Are you sure ye won’t try some Calpol?
JM: Yes. Very sure.
SAF: And then there’s the media. Vipers, the lot of ‘em. Ye’ve gottae be canny with press conferences.
JM: What’s your advice?
SAF: Don’t turn up for them. Works for me. Listen, Jose, ah’ve gottae go. We’ve gottae plane to catch and ah’ve still gottae find that hole Shinji Kagawa was hiding down all night.
JM: You’ll put in a word for me with the Glazers?
SAF: Aye, but ah can’t promise anything. Moysie wants it too. Mind, ah’m pretty sure he just wants to see what a transfer budget looks like. See you in a few weeks, Jose. And hey! Next time, try to put on a show, eh? Too easy for us tonight!
JM: (reaches for the Calpol) I have GOT to start drinking this stuff.