Spurs take on Queens Park Rangers on Saturday lunchtime and it will be the first time new Rangers boss Harry Redknapp has faced his former side since leaving the club last summer. In a PickOurTeam exclusive, we listened to the pre-match conversation between Redknapp and his successor at White Hart Lane, Andre Villas-Boas. This is how it went:
ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS: Harry, how are you?
HARRY REDKNAPP: Gnnnnnnnggghr!
AVB: I beg your pardon?
AVB: Are you ok? Should I send for a doctor?
HR: Bah! 'Allo Andre, mate. Sorry about that. I'm 'aving a right 'mare with this new smartphone Jamie gave me. I've been trying to text Sandra for the last hour, but I can't get anywhere with it.
HR: Yes, Andre?
AVB: That's a pocket calculator.
HR: Is it?
HR: Well, that explains why I've only been able to type 'boobies'. I did wonder about that. How are you, Andre? How's Tottenham treating you?
AVB: (shrugs) It is as it should be. They feed me on time, my quarters are satisfactory, the training grounds are fit for routine perambulation and calisthenics. And you? How is Queens Park Rangers?
HR: I'll level you with you, Andre, it's a bleedin' nightmare. I've got 48 players and only seven of 'em are on the Redknapp Scale.
AVB: The Redknapp Scale?
HR: Yeah, well there's Clint Hill, Shaun Derry, Samba Diakite and Jamie Mackie. They'll run through brick walls. Then you've got Adel Taarabt. He's a top player. You've got Julio Cesar. He's even better. He's a top, top player. And then you've got Esteban Granero.
AVB: What is he?
HR: He's t'riffic.
AVB: I see. I must thank you, by the way, for leaving me such a well appointed squad.
HR: Top, top lads, aren't they? Bale's t'riffic. You know the secret to Bale?
HR: Tell him to run about a bit.
AVB: I see. I found it hard at first to override their natural instinctitude for simplicity. I had to re-route their primary sub-routines and recode their aware-iables.
HR: You've lost me.
AVB: I wrote a dossier.
HR: Ah, yeah. Dossiers. Bit modern, that. You know what really works? Putting smiles on faces. These lads, they're good lads, top lads, but they don't like brain-sweat. Take Jermain, for example. Simple lad. Stick the ball in front of him and he'll score. Or he'll be caught offside. But sometimes he'll score. Simple.
AVB: Actually, I've instructed him to diversify his diffusion.
AVB: I told him to run about a bit.
HR: Ah, that's just science though. Anyone can do that. You got a clipboard?
AVB: I have seven.
HR: I've got one. It's brilliant. Kevin uses it to carry coffee mugs out from the office to the training ground. Very handy. Anyway, I've got to get back to the dressing room. Bobby Zamora's crying in the shower again and Rob Green keeps writing 'Come and get me' on the walls in his own poop. No rest for the wicked, eh? One more thing, who you got your eye on for the transfer window?
AVB: Leandro Damiao. He is mobile, intelligent and a potent force in the final third. The amorphous nature of his movement makes him the perfect target for the verticality of our passing, allowing us to eviscerate rear quarters with extreme perspectivication.
HR: You wot?
AVB: (sighs) He's t'riffic.
HR: Lovely jubbly. I'm making a move for Crouchy. Top player, lovely lad. All the best, Andre! Be lucky!